From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Jason Stratos Papadopoulos)
Subject: Canonical one-liners list (long)
Date: 9 Apr 1996 17:50:56 GMT
Organization: University of Maryland College Park
Hello all. About 1-2 years ago a thread raged through this newsgroup
about silly things that FRP players said which cracked up everybody
and stopped the game violently while everyone gasped for air from
laughing so hard. The response was so impressive that I (among others)
collected as much as I could and compiled it into a single place.
A gentleman in Pittsburgh was working at the time on fixing things up
into the NET BOOK OF RPG ONE-LINERS, and was very diligent about authors
and sources and spell-checking and such. Unfortunately, I never found out
if such a work was completed.
It occurred to me that not making some sort of list available to the lot
of you would be criminal, as some of this stuff is incredibly funny. Here,
then, is my working copy of a canonical list of posts from that saintly
thread, approximately 95% of the original posts plus a few of my own con-
tributions (perhaps 5 or 6, in random places).
Note that this is NOT the net book of one-liners, and I don't intend it
to be. No authors are given for these little tidbits (for goodness' sake,
this thing is big enough already!) and they follow no set pattern other
than the order in which I found them.
Anyone who wants a story of their own in here is wlecome to send it to
me, to be included as soon as possible (PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't bounce
the whole list back to me!); likewise, any mistakes on my part should be
pointed out and will be corrected.
We were looking for a few mercenaries for a 'guard the caraven' scenario
and introducing a new player to our group. The player was a bit of a
combat monster, and he had put together an acrobatic, swashbuckling
character who was a master of all bladed weapons.
In order to verify that he was competent with his weapon, we agreed to a
sparring match as a test of skill. "Don't be too embarassed if I
humiliate you," the character said in a horrible accent, "as I am
considered by many to be the finest swordsman in all of France..."
He and our best fighter square off, roll their to-hits, and... thunk. 18.
We rolled to see what it was, and turned out he had dropped his sword and
stabbed himself in the foot.
Our inscrutable Ranger-type bent over, picked up the sword and dusted it
off. Handing it back to the PC, he squinted at him and said;
"France must be a lot smaller than I thought."
The weapons-master never did get any respect after that...
A less than appropriately concerned 4-color hero conducting hostage
"It won't do you any good to hide behind the girl. She'll only stop three
Actually this quote originally came frome Leading Edge Games "Living Steel"
RPG. Their books are liberally laced with comments like that in the
sidebars. The game deals with power armor suits, and feature one Axel, who's
always getting into trouble.
Here are a couple of them:
"Axel said there's 3 sub-basements in the building. Oh, and bring some
"Axel, how could you run out of ammo! It's got 700 shots."
Okay, one of the characters was teleported into the midst of a deep, dark
jungle. Another character divines his location, teleports to about 30
yards from it, and finds the first character has been captured by a large
group of natives.
The second character shouts from the trees to the natives to let
the first character go, or suffer horribly. Unimpressed, the natives'
leader shouts back, "Show yourself, or we kill him!"
The hidden character, in all seriousness, shouts back, "Who?"
A bard in the party had been getting on everybody's
nerves for quite some time, so one of the mages sticks a permanent illusion
of fire around him. The bard blows his disbelief horribly, and runs
screaming out of the building (they were hanging out in a party member's
townhouse at the time).
One of the other characters, returning from an errand, enters the
room and asks in a totally casual voice, as if he were talking about the
weather; "Has anyone noticed the burning bard in the front yard?"
Player 1: Hey, what was the name again of that girl you'r going to marry.
Player 2(me): Mary, yes Mary, Mary, or was it Jackie?
Players from a low level tech enviroment find a laser distance measurer.
After fooling around with it for a while they figure it out. One player
points it at the sky. The display produces the infinity symbol. The player
turns it 90 degrees and comments:" Hey, the sky is eight yards high".
Question to DM: Why do you hate players?
Answer: They kill my nice monsters.
In a CoC campaign a character that everyone thought
had been turned into a zombie (but actually wasn't) came to
a meeting of the PC's sporting a bit of tissue paper on his
"What's the tissue paper for?"
"I cut myself shaving."
"You don't have to shave, you're a zombie!"
"Hey, just because I'm one of the walking dead,
doesn't mean I can ignore personal hygine."
Let me tell you about Gregor.... (before he does it himself....)
Gregor, the Russian defective - er, defectOR - was the result of a failed
attempt in the Soviet super-soldier program. He's strong, fast, fearless...
brain damaged.... His KGB masters got him to defect on the theory that he
would do more damage as an American.
Charles (Gregor's player - or perhaps that should be "keeper") is very
theatrical, and always spoke for Gregor "in hokey Russian accent, da?" - a
vocal trait Charles claimed translated into Gregor's native tongue, as well.
Some of Gregor's more memorable exploits:
While fighting a German supervillain, Gregor dodged an axe-blow, only to leap
up, level his plasma rifle at his foe, and inquire, "Remember Stalingrad?"
He then blew the bad-guy through the peanut-brittle windows of the Bank of
America building (an even longer story than this one....).
When confronted with a Lovecraftian eldritch horror, Gregor's only comment
was a hushed "Oh my lack of God...."
One of my husband's characters was an erstwhile biker who had been melded with
his beloved Harley. The party had gone to one of IronHorse's old hangouts, a
notorious "outlaw" bar, for information, and Gregor was getting *bored.* He
sauntered over to the biggest, ugliest group in the bar, sat down, and said:
"Greetings, socialist brothers - am being pleased for to meet you. You are to
be riding fine Japanese motorcycles, yes?"
My husband was playing in a MERP session, where he was Sam to another player's
Frodo. When they reached the point in the narrative which placed the pair in
front of the gates of Mordor, the GM asked how they wished to proceed. "As
God is my witness," the husband tells me, "this is how I responded."
SAM: It's 106 miles to the Crack of Doom, we've got a magic ring, two
daggers, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses.
FRODO: Hit it.
The image of the Blues Brothers as halflings brought the game to a violent
halt for the next five minutes...but it came back to haunt them. About an hour
later, two of the elves were interrogating a villager who asked, "Are you with
ELF 1: No, ma'am.
ELF 2: We're mythical.
Let's see here...Fantasy Hero game. Party has been stalked by an
assassian with a majic autofire bow for the past couple of weeks
travel through assorted cities. Hadn't gotten a glimpse of him
yet. Pretty much convinced ourselves that he had a cloak of
invisibility as well as the bow.
The party's warrior priest steps out from an inn and into the street.
A mage asks if the coast is clear. He responds "Must be. I don't
see any invisible assassians."
Later in that campaign, the caravan the party is guarding finds itself at
the foot of a rocky crag, with twelve longbowman at the top of it,
firing arrows for all they're worth. The same priest raises his
War Axe and shouts- "Launch a Frontal Assault! They'll never
(Strange thing is, it worked.....)
>The party's warrior priest steps out from an inn and into the street.
>A mage asks if the coast is clear. He responds "Must be. I don't
>see any invisible assassians."
Oh, geez. This reminds me of an _old_ AD&D game from long ago.
This is the first session, the group has found their way to the
entrance of a lair of kobolds or nasties or some such.
They send in the mage to investigate. The mage, being paranoid,
casts invisibility and saunters on in, checking carefully for
I deal with him privately, but a few minutes later, one of the
players playing a fighter-type (Hi, Craig!) gets bored, and tells
me that his character hollers into the mouth of the cavern, "Hey,
invisible mage! Find anything yet?"
On learning that various members of the party, separated by great
distance, were being simultaneously briefed by individualized divine
visions about a holy quest they were about to undertake, the cleric in the
party declared, "I continually marvel at the efficiency of the gods."
In a different adventure, the party had just discovered that a warehouse
they had bought (because it housed an entrance to an underground city)
had been "occupied" by the local military, who refused to let them in,
even though they were the ones who asked the military to guard it. (Long
story behind this...). They were referred by the enlisted grunts to the
captain running the operation. The mage turns to the rest of the party
and says, "Okay, let's break the captain's kneecaps." After they meet
the captain, said fellow claims he answers *only* to the king, and
refuses to give them access. The mage then turns to the rest of the
party and says, "Okay, let's go break the *king's* kneecaps."
A third incident: The party had been gathering a large amount of
intelligence on their current project. After a particularly detailed but
rather irrelevant chunk of data had been acquired, the
fighter-not-a-thief said, "That tells us... um... actually, that tells us
When asked in her first game (she'd never rpg'ed before) what she wanted
to do, my wife responded "I'm going to go for violence, 'cause I know
From a GURPS Supers game I ran at Origins a couple years ago:
A flying super going after a sniper on top of a high-rise asked, "If I
knock him off the building, how many seconds do I have to interrogate him
before he hits the ground?"
"Wait a minute. Dead people walking around get torched. It's one of the
Not quite from within a game, but close... a comment by a friend on a
character who had a bonus to his Fireball spell when he was in the
Hells: "It's like having a better water gun for use only against fish."
And finally, from the GURPS campaign I run on eWorld: A near-immortal
elf with the Destiny advantage commented: "I'm destined for greatness in
The party always told the druid not to wander off by herself.....
The druid, Sheena, of course, always did. Sheena wanders through a door
that was actually a portal to another part of the dungeon. She steps through
to find a dozen or so orcs in a large room, armed with bows. She surprised
them, amazingly enough, and used her free turn to throw down a small bush
(not to be confused with a small shrubbery :) ), and cast plant growth on
it for cover. The orcs decide it would be humorous to shoot the bush full of
arrows so they draw their bows and nock arrows.
Meanwhile, Kyrric the cleric wonders where the druid wandered off to and
heads to the same door.....
Sheena, as she was casting obscurment on her general area, comes up with the
brilliant tactic of bluffing....
SHEENA: "You'd better watch out! My FIVE POWERFUL FRIENDS will be coming
through THAT DOOR any minute now!"
The orcs look at each other, draw back their bows, and point them at said
Kyrric steps through the door/portal and becomes an instant pincushion.
The fighter Anthrax (me) follows the next turn....
ANTHRAX: "Ok, what do I see?"
DM: "First you see Kyrric lying on the floor looking a lot like a pincushion.
Next, you see a dozen orcs nocking another arrow. Finally, you see a
suspiciously hazy looking bush in the corner."
ANTHRAX: (Covers his eyes, shakes his head) "SSSSSSHHHHHEEEEEEENNNNNAAAA!!!"
Sheena was also known for using Anthrax as a targeting sight.
DM: "Okay, where do you want to target your entagle spell?"
SHEENA: "Hmmmm, target it on Anthrax, he's in the middle of them!"
Of course, in other campaigns, she played a magic user who targeted fireballs
the same way......OUCH!
After spending several gaming sessions tracking down "The
Sword of Immortality" to it's fianl resting place. The mage
in the party, a rather cynical, sardonic man walked over with
his hands in his pockets, blew some dust off it and turned to
the rest of the group saying,
"So this is the Sword of Immortality. What's it doing in a
One character, scouting alone, finds that the tower is being guarded by
archers in black robes. He asks me (the GM) how many. "Ten in front;
you think there are probably ten more in back."
About five minutes later he rejoins the party, and they ask him how
many. "Twenty." Pause. "Twenty in front, probably twenty more in
There is some goggling from the other players (they heard what I said)
but their characters accept this story, until about ten minutes later
they've made their plan. The scouting character, they say, should try
to take out the archers with spells. He's shocked. "But there are
forty--just in front, and probably forty more in back!"
At this point everyone else burst out laughing, but the player just
didn't get it. I'm not sure he ever *did* get it. On the other hand,
he was working on his PhD dissertation at the time, which is enough to
rot anyone's brains....
On first trying GURPS Bunnies & Burrows:
"But I don't wanna be a bunny. Can't I be a cougar who's a friend to the
He never did get into the game.
This crack-up line was among players i.e. out-of-character. This guy
was involving us in the accountant's nightmare called CHAMPIONS, and
against the emphasis of the entire rules system he was trying to get us
to role-play. So we the players were getting flak for not thinking
through the complicated plot-line of the story, and dealing improperly
with an NPC group.
So the GM asks us, "Think a minute. What are the two ways in
CHAMPIONS to get NPCs to do what you want?"
At which point one player, Charles P., says, "Well...there's
We totally cracked up at that.
Captain Blaines A. Jerque sees something deadly in the viewscreen :
"Full astern, helmsman"
"Next time ensign, put "rear" in big white letters on the screen
when it's looking backwards "
In a TORG game, the PCs have recently acquired a powerful mystic artifact
called the Possibility Chalice. They're being chased by a vampire who
wants to take the Chalice and bring it back to his master. The vampire
catches up to the party and cuts them off. "Give me the Chalice!" he
In perfect streeophonic sound, two of my five players yell out "You want a
(The vampire was eventually killed by the group's New Ager psychic, whose
name was, of all things, Buffy.)
A SHADOWRUN game. The PCs are storming the hive of a group of insect
spirits (trust me; if you don't know, you don't _wanna_ know!), and are
armed for armor-plated, cybered-up metabear. While the PCs are
slaughtering combat-ineffectual worker spirits, the warrior spirits come
up from behind and burst through the walls. The party's shaman is caught
completely unawares and ends up in the mandibles of a rabid ant spirit.
One of the samurai turns around, levels his assault rifle at the thing's
head, and yells, "Hey, bug! Don't squeeze the shaman!!!"
To top it off, he blew the thing's head to little chunks.
In an AD&D campaign that I was in about a year ago I played one of a pair
of thieves. We had come into the campaign late, and the DM had us meet
up with the existing party in the tomb complex they were exploring. We
bluffed the rest of the party into thinking we were low level fighters
and they agreed to take us on as 'guards' since they were low on swords
at the time. After a bit of combined exploring the party beds down for
the night. Arthur (the other thief) and Smee (my thief) pull first
Being none too swift, we decide to get a head start on the looting and
leave the party, blissfully asleep (and now unguarded). Bad move. The
first room we enter is inhabited by Ghasts. Lots of them. We begin
backing out of the room, impressed by their numbers and, more
importantly, their sharp teeth. As we back out Arthur tries to convince
them that not to eat us:
Arthur: Really, there's lots of you and only two of us. What's the
point? You'll only make yourself hungrier!
At that point Smee was dealing with about 3 Ghasts of his own and shouts out
Smee: EAT HIM! HE'S BIGGER!
They jump him.
I run back to the party, wake them and breathlessly try to get their
help. After not making much sense and being shouted at for waking them
up I proclaim:
(holding out left arm) Arthur!
(holding out right arm) Teeth!
(bringing arms together) EATEN! Now come on!
Player: "I take their weapons and forge a battle-axe out of them."
Player: "Well, I just want to melt them down and make a new axe."
GM: "But you don't have a forge. You're in the middle of town."
Player: "Why can't I just melt them down?"
GM: "With what? Your fricking heat-vision?"
Poor Woody (the dwarf player) was pretty quiet the rest of the game....
One of my favorite characters would have to be my priest of Lathandar, Will.
Since I'm the only cleric in the party, I'm the one stuck with handling the
undead, like its that much of a challenge when you're basically 13th level
(he's 12th with the +1 level Ioun stone).
For a while I was saying the same boring stuff "OK I attempt to turn them."
Then I started getting more into it: "Demonspawn, BEGONE!"
But it hit an all time high when I had recently watched Ghostbusters again.
I believe it was a heucuva but instead of the usual "I turn the undead."
I went amok saying:
"Good evening. As a duly designated representative of the church of Lathander,
I hereby order you to cease any and all supernatural activity and return
forthwith to your home plane or the nearest convenient parallel dimension."
We had to wait until everyone regained their composure and the DM ceased to
look like he was going to explode from laughing so hard. Later though since
that was a bit long to say over and over when we fought undead, I switched to
a shorter turning speech:
"Back off man! I'm a cleric!"
Yeah. Ghostbusters is one of my favorite movies, next to Big Trouble in Little
China and Army of Darkness. *grin*
There was this one con game of Amber, where we ended up in this
techno-industrial-wasteland, and we see this knight (or some such)
dressed in full plate armor made out of automobile parts. I don't know
when exactly it happened, but the words just came sliding out of my
"Look! It's a Chevy Cavalier!"
In a Mechwarrior game:
The PC's are trying to strike a deal in a shady restaurant. Two blond,
muscular men in suits walk in. One paranoid player decides to see if
they might be carrying any concealed weapons. His request to the
GM comes out:
PLAYER: These two guys who just walked in. Can I see any bulges on them?
From a cyberpunk game I was running: Butch is sneaking around a
warehouse. Just as he's about to leave, the two rent-a-cops (who were
guarding the place) come back in. The dialogue went something like this:
1st guard: Hey! What are you doing here.
Butch: Hey man, don't shoot! I'm on your side! (draws his .454 and
shoots one of the guards) Oh my god, I just shot him! Did you see
that!(gets shot by the surviving guard) I can't believe you just shot
me! I'm on your side! (shoots guard)
Meanwhile, his buddy John Paul Winchester has been keeping an eye on the
warehouse from a payphone across the street, where he is talking to his
girlfriend. He sees this shootout and says:
JP: Oh wait, Butch just got shot, I gotta go save him. (hangs up)
Butch: (staggering away from the warehouse, bleeding profusely) Did you
see that? He shot me right here, right in the chest, and I didn't even fall
This is what happens if you have a _player_ with a fast talk skill.
Here's one from a high-powered, dimension hopping fantasy campaign I
played in, in which the puns were flying fast. We're just about to go up
against the bad guy, and Ka-te (a PC) is missing. One of the characters
had a magic sack, which he could pull things out of. He says: "I'm
going to try to pull the Ka-te out of the bag." It didn't work.
Other lines from that campaign that I remember were:
"A very disarming experience." said by a character after his arm had
just been ripped off.
"I suppose I'll knock him out with a rock, only... I'll use a soft rock,
so it won't hurt that much." the background to that one is just too
bizarre to explain...
This one wasn't actually said during the session, but in-between
sessions, when a bunch of us players were conspiring. "Ok, we go to a
zoo. We find a panda, and we make it sentient..."
This was also the campaign with the rocket powered roller skates, the
candid camera, and Spot Hidden the invisible dog, but those aren't really
The party had (unintentionally) set fire to a city long abandoned because
of plague. In a desperate attempt to prevent the conflagration from
spreading, the mage in the party polymorphed into a Purple Worm and dug a
trench/firebreak around the city. They were also desperately seeking a
way to fill it with water; in rapid succession they considered and
discarded the idea of digging to a nearby lake (there was none),
magically creating the water by spell (1 cubic foot at a time? No.),
conjuring rain (no one could do it), and so on, until finally, one of the
clerics in the party looks in her backpack and says, "Oh, I have a
decanter of endless water. Would that help?"
At another time, the same party was ensconced overnight in a Leomund's
Secure Shelter (they travel in style ), cast in a rocky area, so
that it was made of stone. A group of slightly brain-dead bandits
attempted to storm the Shelter, failing miserably, up to and including
shattering a tree trunk in vain attempt to use it as a battering ram.
The bandits, though dumb, were persistent, and remained outside the
Shelter all night, waiting to waylay the party as they left. Knowing the
expiration time of the Shelter spell, they armored up and got on
horseback, and used a little clairaudience to determine the direction the
bandits were in, and faced that way. The moment the Shelter vanished,
the mage stood up in his stirrups, waved his hands wildly at the
bandits, and shouted "OOGA BOOGA BOOGA!" The bandits ran.
Two days later, the same bandits tried to waylay the party on the road,
not realizing it was the same party. The PCs got advance warning, and
positioned themselves at the bottom of a hill, facing the oncoming
bandits. The mage stood in his stirrups again, and as the bandits came
over the hill, shouted "OOGA BOOGA BOOGA!" once more. The bandits, true
to form, ran even faster this time.
A little while later, the party met another, lower-level party, and
sicced them on "some really stupid bandits over that way."
From the same campaign: "Our strength is as the strength of ten, because
there are ten of us."
In a Teenagers From Outer Space campaign I run, one character
once remarked to another, "You're a *mercenary* little geek, aren't you?"
"A god was chasing me, so I ran."
From our V&V campaign, after discussing various tortures that could be
inflicted upon the most powerful character: "Even without feet, I could
A "Famous Last Words" comment to come from my original GURPS
International Super Teams playtest sessions: "Relax. You're just having
a metahuman reaction."
A comment made in between games by one of my players, who is an ex-street
gang punk: "I know paladins don't exist in the real world, 'cause I
haven't killed one."
Let's see here...there was the time in the TFOS game where the Gadgeteer
needed a weapon, and was standing in front of a fabric shop. He ran in,
dissassembled a few sewing machines, and came up with a shoulder-fired
contraption that knitted straight jackets around it's target. We called
it "The Singer Missile".
During a particulary nasty fight a thief had been planning a backstab on the
oppositions leader. He was moving across a tiny ledge 20 feet above the
fight in order to get behind. The one of his own party members called up
to him about getting down and helping, completly blowing his cover. The
oppositions mage looked around, saw him and did a Fire-bolt. (similar to a
lightning bolt). The thief took more damage than he had hit points, so he fell
unconcious to the floor. Two other players looked at him as I described the
fact that he was on fire and had just fallen 20 feet.
One player turned to the other and said.
"Well, he got the Stop and Drop part right"
This is more of just a weird line, or one that made everyone laugh when,
after the player said it, everybody realized how odd and quirky it sounded
out of context.
It was a Champions/Hero superhero game, a 200 point game. They were confronting
a sorcerer supervillan and his animated spellbook (which was just another
character bought as an ally or whatever, I forget, and it looked funny,
and had its stats altered). The spellbook kept flitting about blasting
characters. It was really harassing us. When it went down, the GM said "The
spellbook is unconscious." A player then said "Yeah! I killed the spellbook!"
Suddenly, everyone had a nervous giggle as they realized how out of
context it sounded. It's just something you hopefully dont hear in
everyday conversation, like those blurbs Letterman used to do: "Things
you know Have Never Been Spoken Before."
We were attacking a some sort of a lab in Spacemaster. One of the
characters was setting up a bomb, but he was attacked by a guard and
got wounded. His pal saves the situation and starts to give first aid,
but suddenly notices that the wounded guy is still holding some explosives
in his hands. Without further thinking he stics it (50 grams of C16????)
to a plasma grenade and throws it as far as he could.
"I'll take this away so dont'n hurt yourself"
The blast radius was 80 meters.......
A character was trying to buy a horse in MERP. The opening line:
"You better not try to play any tricks on me, I've been fooled before!"
In a cyber-punk campaign, we needed some information about a street gang.
We had managed to capture one of the members. I wanted the information, but
I knew that my intimidation skill wasn't too good.
Me: Tell me what I want to know or I'll shoot you in the leg.
Him: Kiss my a**.
Him: ARRGH!! I've been shot!!
Me: I know, I'm the one who shot you... Now tell me what I want to know or
I'll shoot you in the other leg...
The game: Paranoia
The situation: The group was guarding a really big tank (the Mark IV,
in fact.) We were getting attacked by a bunch of
Commies on jet-propelled skateboards (or something
like that.) My character was a member of the
Communists secret society and was talking to the leader
of the attacking Commies, asking to join him:
Me: I vould werry much like to join wit you, Comrade Borscht.
GM: I think ve have an openink for you.
At this point the GM make a roll to see if one of the NPCs can control
his skateboard. He fails.
GM: SCCREEEEECH CRASH! BOOOOM!
Me: Vhat vas dat?
GM: Another openink.
Very funny bit playtesting _The Khan Chak Experiment_, new adventure for _Tales
of Gargentihr_. In this world there is lots of weird science sort of powered by
sort of magic, and lots of aliens. We were at a party, and the guest of honour
was a previously unknown kind of alien (although actually he wasn't, he was a
weird form of a familiar alien) in a large fish bowl equivalent, free floating
a few feet above the floor. One of the PCs saw this, and was a scientist and
was really impressed. To the GM (in perfect innocence) "I go over towards the
grav tank". We couldn't stop laughing and get our breath back for ages.
Setup: In this campaign I playing a magic-type character (Chip the monk) whose
main feature was a staff that could heal or harm (as needed). Another
player (who was something of a powergamer) was running a character he
called *TH-H-HE WRAITH!!!!* Note, it was important (to him, at least) to
put the proper emphasis on the name (including Richard Nixion-ish
"Victory" hand gestures).
Anyway, during this one fight, *TH-H-HE WRAITH!!!!* (Emphasis, please!)
was just not doing well at all--and as the party's "medic", it fell to
me to keep bringing his character back from unconcosioness (sp?), just
to watch him get knocked out yet again. *sigh*
Well, at one point, a friend dropped by and asked us how the fight was
+-----(spoken in a bored/depressed tone)------+ +---(cheerfully)---+
"I wouldn't know; I've spent all my time healing *TH-H-HE WRAITH!!!!*"
Everybody at that point lost it. Except for the player in question, whose
indignant (My spelling is off today!) response just made the whole thing
In a cyberpunkish game I was running, the PC:s were a team of investigative
journalists, and one of them was the Ultimate Englishman - completely calm,
expressionless and collected, no matter what happened (any relation to
real Englishmen is purely coincidental). The first time we played, he
was assaulted by a hitman in the basement of a post office, and got kicked
in the groin, hard. Not surprisingly, he was stunned for a while, and then
the cops arrived to break up the situation. When they tried to question
him, he replied : "Terribly sorry, but my genitals have just absorbed
a substantial amount of kinetic energy, and I am momentarily incapable of
responding to any inquiries."
The line would haunt him forever... There are a lot more, related to this one,
but they are in pretty poor taste. Sick players, I've got...
Not a game I was in, but one a heard about: (one of my friends ran)
A party of mostly clerics and magic users, who noticed in the midse of an
assassination attempt that Silence, Darkness, and Fireball all have
roughly equivalent radiuses. Cast them all simultaneously, and you get:
"Dwarmigi's Inconspicuous Fireball-- I don't know what it was, but it
sure hurt like hell..."
Also, from the same game, the Cleric blesses a dead NPC:
"Ominus, dominus, you still dead."
From a D&D campaign, the party Cleric (of the God of war) faces down a
Demon: "Are you a god?"
Cleric: "No, but I work for one..."
A compilation of amusing things people said or posted to the Vampire bboard...
"Send up more bell-boys!" -IS
"Seeing that the criminal justice system was not defending my rights, I
released myself into my own custody." -CE
"Let's meet in Central Pa- Let's meet NEAR Central Park." -JW
"Eight successes on the to-hit roll." -CE
"You miss." -DS
"You all remember Edward, tall, good looking, makes Satan look like a choir
boy? " -SB
"Give me a couple of Uzis, a 44 Magnum, a couple grenades, a USAS 20
automatic shotgun with napalm and explosive rounds, and... a crossbow."
"Maybe we'll all stay up to see the sun (SHEA RIGHT! AND MONKEYS MIGHT
FLY OUT OF MY BUTT!)." -JW
"[Flame] looked like a pincushion. He musta had some bad experience
with a wood shredding machine or sometin'." -JS
on Helga: "What's a name like that doing on a body like yours?" -BB
"Two weeks... 4th-gen Brujah... gives a whole new meaning to the word
"I'm told that most Vampires who meet Oblivion do it from an unconscious
death wish. Not true. From what I can see of Jason Flame, he's
completely conscious about it." -BB
"Someone has to tell him that he can't reach Golconda if he's killed
"Flame walks in to the Sabbat's meeting place and is immediately blasted
with enough lead to drop a tank. He seems to enjoy that kind of thing."
"I'm the misfit of the group, and I think they need me like a beauty
pageant needs a Nosferatu." -JW
"WTGGTTDGH=When The Going Gets Tough The Dice Get Hosey" -IS
"Never noticed huge numbers of Sabbat taking over the Washington
Monument before. I guess you miss these things when you're a mortal."
"I've always hated Sabbat, and now I hate their games too. Now I know
how Rudolf the Red-nosed Reindeer felt." -IS
"Spiders, dealers. It's all the same to me." -CE
"What's scary is that Jason Flame is now the sanest member of the party." -IS
"Why can't we fight a more congenial enemy who prefers the tropics? No
doubt Babayaga could answer that. (It probably has something to do with
how she looks in a bikini.)" -BB
"I'll Shoot!" -Stupid Nosferatu
"Go Ahead, Mine's Bigger." -BB
"They wouldn't know subtlety if it painted itself purple and jumped up
and down in front of them singing 'Subtlety is here again'..." -IS
"And you're high on life, saying nothing could ever be this good......
......until you crash into shore and scream, because there's a crab
hanging from your testicles." -JW
"'I diabolrized Cain and all I got was this lousy generation.' 14th gen
GM: You see a vauge white shape in the distance, with large expansive wings
Player: IT'S A HORSE!
(Many confused looks)
two people are knocked unconcious, and wake up in a room having no idea
where they are. Using various skills they free themselves from bonds
player 1: I Jump out the window!
Player 2: (hesitating): I LOOK out the window.
player 1: (Frantically screaming so his partner will run away with him)
There's 15 of them!
player 2: oh good, for a minute i was worried.
(brilliant playing of overconfidence, resulting sadly in player death)
tracing a chemical that causes brain damage
hero: SO, exactly how much insanity has leaked into the water
(Perhaps you had to be there.)
dungeon game: A seductress, whose spellcasting is limited indoors, finds
herself in the front of the line, when the first two party members fall
into a pit, and are faced to face with a mindless golem
immediate reaction of the bimbo/seductress
"Yoo hoo, mister golem! i'm cute don't hurt us!"
interestingly, this character was played by a female.
player scientist meeting a robot charachter.
scientist: WOw! this is truly amazing! what a fantastic speciment you are!
What exactly do you use for power?
robot (Reacting in modesty to compliments): shiiiit!
after launching a LAW and viturally devastating a huge area.
"damn, i didn't think it was loaded"
A police ERT member (the grenadier) on a space station, whilst engaged with
a group of cybered hit men and after firing off a *very* special (and
"Gee, I wonder what the yield is on that."
A space marine Warrant Officer gets slammed against a bulkhead due to
unexpected and sudden acceleration. The player is known for being, ahem,
"Don't I get to dodge the wall?"
A security man on a ground survey team approaches his commanding officer to
report seemingly aggressive plant life on the planet:
"Sir, Dr. Lund says she's being stalked by a bush."
Fantasy campain, 2 clerics, 2 barbarians, 1 halfling thief/magic-user.
Leaving the dungeon/orc hideout, the "outer patrols" return meet us in
the first room -- we can see daylight, but we're hurt, out of healing,
The thief fumbles throwing flaming oil, and is consumed in the blast. The
Barbarian fumbles, breaking his weapon. A cleric goes down. The barbarian:
"How much damage does a flaming thief do?"
Champions Line. (Its important that you've played champions)
GM: "[sigh...] Somebody help Chris with the subtraction."
From GURPS fantasy:
A character takes an all out attack to attack twice. On both
strikes he aims for the neck, hitting both times. For the
first roll the target makes his health roll and avoids decapitation.
He fails the second time and his head goes flying.
I say, "Ah, the patented Lift and Cut System."
We were using a laminated sheet of graph paper and felt tip pens
to demonstrate combat. We would mark our moves by drawing an arrow
from our present positon to our final position. (This is important,
the board got quite cluttered.) We [the characters] were about to
receive a charge, and I was separated from the rest of the group
Of course, a full 50% of the charging knights veer off to attack me.
To the GM I say, "See these lines?(pointing at old marks on the map)
I try to hide there."
In a VD&D dungeon game many years ago, Ali, the best fighter of the party but
not renowned for brains (Int 3), led us into a room...
GM: You see several creatures which look like human-headed lions
Ali (happily): Lammasu!
GM: Ali is hit by several crossbow bolts.
Ali (indignantly): Nasty Lammasu!
Another classic came from a Champions game in which a playuer was running the
villain. The master plan he presented to the GM to escape from a high rise
building included the following two steps:
1. Jump out of window
2. Secure rope to window frame
Player, on realising his mistake: Execute step 2 before step 1
"It's only a LITTLE demoness!!"
"Do you repent?"
"Do you repent?"
"Do you repent?"
"Ref? What's his alignment?"
"Uh.. Lawful Confused, I think..."
(enthusiastic paladin converting a troll)
The scene: San Francisco, CA, in my Cthulhu:1999 campaign. The PCs,
having defeated the villanous Dr. Deiter, have taken the transmitter that
will blow up the Doctor's electronic mind control devices, and hooked it
up to their van's satellite dish. They point it at a nearby university,
then call a friend who works there.
PC: "Hi. Has anyone's head just exploded?"
Friend: "Ummm... No...."
PC: "How 'bout now?"
In this same campaign, people were frequently heard to say, "Ia Ia,
sure sure," and the favorite spell was "DWEAD CURSE OF AAAAAAAAZATHOTH!"
And one of the PC's suggested blowing up the Moon to prevent an eclipse.
He was joking. The rest of the PC's eventually did that just that, much
to his chagrin (on Sept. 13, 1999, for you SPACE: 1999 fans).
Re: Dwead curse of Azathoth.
The secret last syllable of Azathoth's name is, of course, "Ski!"
(He is, after all, the Pole of the universe...)
I saw the crack-me-up lines in RPGs thread; I have none to contribute at
the moment, but that brought my current campaign's crack-me-up situation
to mind. We're playing GURPS. The starting scenario of one of the
characters is that his teacher of ten or twenty years, Tarvack One-Eye,
has taught him all he can for the moment and thrown him out of the
university to go out, journey, and learn from the world.
Old Tarvack was -supposed- to be a pretty good teacher, moderately well
known in his country, but not very well known in other countries, one
of which was the starting place for our current campaign.
For the first three months, Tarvack made his reputation role EVERY
STINKING TIME. EVERYBODY had heard of him. Bartenders. Old hermits
out in the woods. Famous heroes. Kings. Shopkeepers. Enemies.
The DM started out taking this in stride, but by about
month two, every time that roll came up (which was almost
every time) the players could tell by the disgusted look he got on
his face. The DM took a break for a while and switched with one of
the players for a while and Tarvack STILL kept making his rolls.
By month three, every time we met somebody who recognized Tarvack (which
was darn near everybody, whenever the subject came up), the group
would collapse in laughter.
Finally, the DM conceded that fate seemed to be taking a hand, and
raised Tarvack's reputation to "well-known all over the world" - and
Tarvack hasn't made a reputation roll since.
This one was from a Star Wars game I ran a few years back. The PC's get in a f
ight in the Cantina in Mos Eisly. The bartender is yelling"NO Blasters!! NO Bl
asters". Two of the PC's dive over the bar, lob thermal detonators both ways.
The bounty hunter then turns to the Bar tender and says "no blasters"
Our characters began in the FTL universe, and were shangheid into
the Star Trek one by some saboteurs who vented most of our hydrogen in the
process. Our cargo ship was carrying several tons of beer, which we proceeded
to use as reaction mass, playing hob with the engines. Finally, a Federation
starship approached us, only to be hit by a piece of our rapidly decomposing
engines. The exchange went something like this:
FTL GM: "The engine cone blasts off and hits the approaching starship."
ST GM: "Impact! Impact!"
ST Players: "Where!!??"
ST GM: (rolls some dice, consults hit charts) "Ummm, the ship's gymnasium."
FTL Players, all together: "IT'S DEAD, GYM!"
Shadowrun. On a snatch-and-grab mission, the runners bust into a
boardroom in the middle of a meeting (guards being eliminated quickly and
quietly courtesy the street shaman and a stun ball spell). The lead
street samauri kicks the door open, racks a shell into his shotgun, and
"This is a hostile takeover! Everyone down!"
Greyhawk Ruins, the single most fun AD&D module ever made. One player is
running a chaotic chaotic dwarven fighter-thief, whose response upon finding
anything without monetary value is "I burn it".
Later he gets caught in a rug of smothering. When the DM asks how we propose
to get him free of the rug, someone in back pipes up "I burn it".
Same module. We find a giant dragon head made of stone, and further find
that if you crank the lever just so, it belches fire. Unbeknownst to us,
when we turn off the fire we leave the gas tap open. HOURS later, we're
fighting a hydra on the other end of the level, and someone lights a flask
of oil. BOOOMMM! While the DM is rolling a huge fireball, my player yells:
"No! BUD light!"
My overenthusiastic elven fighter-mage runs to the rescue of a fighter
beset by gnolls. He calls in gnollish: "NOW IS THE HOUR OF YOUR DEATH!"
and rolls a horrible miss. "...more or less".
On a more disgusting note, having gotten through the very first few rooms
in Dragon Mountain, a gloating evil persona made himself apparent,
commenting that we would die since we had had so much trouble getting to
where we were, and that we had not even penetrated deep into the mountain,
I snappily remarked, "Well we're not to heavy on penetration."
here is one for you , courtesy of a TV show called : SheWolf of London .
the heroines' boyfriend is being attacked by a vampire , and was eating
dinner ...he tosses the contents of a container of chinese food at it , to
distract it , and low-and -behold , the vampire dies ...
He uses it to rescue the heroine , and as they leave , she remarks :
" If you kill a vampire with chinese food ( it was garlic chicken ) ,
does that mean he is undead again in an hour ? "
think about it ...
My character's introduction, the party's considering taking him on:
Mage #1: Ah! Your reputation precedes you! You should be able to
take care of yourself. But the job may involve danger.
Swordsman: Ha! I love danger! I just qwish you could eat it!
Mage #2: (Less impressed) How are you at fighting demons?
Swordsman: (Thoughtful pause) This is hypothetical, right?
My thief, Blackbird, watching one PC, a Flind, dig a hole for two
hours, then try to cover himself with turf, as camoflauge:
Blackbird: What the hell are you doing?
Flind: How do I look?
Blackbird: Like a grassy Gnoll.
: This is one of my favorites from a Vampire campaign I was running. The
character was an Uppity Ventrue, very high-class, who had just botched a
hunting roll. Character figures out he has contracted herpes from
Gamemaster: As you sink your fangs into his neck, you feel the diseased
blood flood down your throat.
Player: I...I feel VIOLATED!
I don't know if you ever read my signature, but it was a real quote.
Belchmore the Barbarous(a minotaur) and Ren the Repugnant(a Tren) were both
very high level munchkin characters(both had a str of 22, con 22). I was
getting tired of them putzing around, killing demigods, so when Ren said
"I Challenge anything to try to kill me!" I reply,"You see 6 many-headed
dragons flying toward you." He screams,"What do you mean, a PACK of Tiamats!!!"
Bye Bye, party!
On discovering a party member's ardent pursuer was a demon...
"oh great, she's from hell. You didn't give her your adress did you?"
Situation; PC Red Slaad (Gurps) bouncing through a forest, Scared senseless.
Master Wakes up in the tree he's in, and contacts her mentally...
Master: "...SLAADI! Get a hold of yourself!"
Red Slaad stops in her tracks, and the player quickly wraps her arms around her
self. "Now what, Bossman?"
From my group's experiences playing Shadowrun:
To set the scene: A street sam is busily getting fixed up in a DocWagon
clinic. The group suspects another attempt on his life and goes to the
clinic to break him out. Buck Naked, another street sam (played by a guy
who is playing for the first time), is told to make a diversion while the
rest of the group goes upstairs to the patient's room. Buck is sitting in
the waiting room.
GM: You see a secretary at the counter.
Buck: What? Nothing else?
GM: [rolls his eyes] A box of mints.
Buck: I take a mint but I don't leave a penny.
GM: Roll your Stealth.
Secretary: "Hey! Put that back!"
Buck: [licks the mint, puts it back and walks away]
Buck: I look for a boiler room or something.
GM: You see a door labeled "Electrical Room - No Admittance" down
the hall from the waiting room.
Buck: I try the door.
GM: It's locked.
Buck: I shoot it.
GM: [blink] You shoot it?
GM: Okay. The door opens and you hear a few startled screams down
Buck: I go in.
GM: You see a lot of electrical equipment.
Buck: Do I know how to turn it off?
GM: Roll your intelligence.
GM: You don't know shit.
Buck: I shoot it.
GM: [blink] [sigh] Okay, the lights go out, alarms go off and
people are running everywhere.
Buck: I go get the box of mints and sit out on the steps.
[the rest of the group has gotten the patient out by now]
GM (to Buck, still sitting): Crowds of people are running by you.
Buck (thoughtfully): Do I see that receptionist?
GM: Er ... yea. Sure. Why not?
Buck: I shoot her.
[shrug] For some reason it had us in hysterics.
To set the scene: Koshhka's a Cat Shaman. He and his companions find that
part of completing their job involves nabbing a guy who has been busily
uniting Seattle's gangs. They find him (along with a number of street
punks, gutter rats and bored adolescents armed to the teeth) in a
dockside warehouse. The group nabs the leader which predictably attracts
the attention of all the gangers there. Koshka makes his way out of the
warehouse fairly unscathed but ...
GM: [rolls] A bullet whizzes by and clips you in the arm.
Koshka: [rolls body - Light Wound] Hmmm. [whirls around and casts
Urban Renewel on the (still occupied) warehouse which quietly falls to
GM: Roll your Perception.
GM: You notice a network helicoptor with its camera trained right
Koshka: I smile, wave, and polish my fingernails on my lapel.
Spoken by one character to another who was going to become a blood-hungry
ravening beast as soon as the sun goes down...
"Uh, could you cast invisibility on everyone before you die?"
In a cyberpunkgame I played an combat-robot and this one wheighted (sp?)
over 180 kg (how mush thats in lbs i don't know but thinks it about 400).
We entered a bar/resaturant becourse the human PC needed to eat.
We joked about how much the chair sqeesed under the weight of my robot.
the waiter came in and ask if I wanted something and I answeard
"no thanks, I'm on diet."
In one CoC scenario, the players were chacing a villain in an underground bar.
One of the villain's friends ran out from the back door - directly towards
a car in which one of our characters sat on guard. The PC asked:
"Stop! This is police! What's going on?"
The guy: "You don't look like a cop to me."
The PC lifts up a Thompson smg, saying:
"Now what did you say?"
The guy: "Umm... Well, mr. constable..."
CYBERPUNK: One of the PC's was a huge man with full-body implanted armor.
(You should have seen his handgun - bigger than most bazookas.) We were
raiding a warehouse (and having a little fight, I might add), when suddenly
we heard the police helicopters. This cyborg points at the combat map:
"I go out right here."
The GM: "There's no door there."
The PC: "I know. But I still go out there."
MEGATRAVELLER: The guys were secret agents on a mission to kidnap a famous
scientist. Unfortunately the guy was working in a mine inside an asteroid.
There were one heavily armed guardian per five persons working at the mine,
and all kind of weaponry was forbidden. The guys were stopped by guardians
during they arrival, and I said as the GM:
"The guardians want to check on you."
One of the players: "Really? I stick my laser in my ass."
I was a little bit pissed off, so I said:
"OK. After two weeks in hospital they charge you, and you get a death
sentence. Make a new character."
We had to stop the session for several minutes.
Ok, here is the situation:
Once in our Star Trek campaign there was a time when two characters
got ambushed in the street, near an aircar. (Characters were run by
Dan and Mark.)
Dan: I dive for cover.
Mark: I dive into the aircar, start it up, and fly to where the
sniper is located.
Vicki (the gamemistress): What is you Vehicle Operation skill?
Mark: Ahh, I don't have any.
Vicki: If you don't have the skill you can't fly it.
Mark: But I have Warp Dive Technology!
Fantasy rpg group have just about successfully negotiated their way
through an encounter with a minotaur lord in its lair. They have
bargained their way onward past the minotaur without recourse
to violence and are feeling pretty pleased with themselves when
the group's cleric, Abel Zeek wanders up to the minotaur and without
realising what he is doing wrong says...
"Kind sir, please accept this token of our gratitude, some food
from afar, BEEF JERKY..."
Later, the same group enter a vast underground chamber which has
a description something like this...
"Four stairways leading down, three doorways along both N & S
walls, a set of double doors facing in both the E & W wall and
spiralling iron stairs going up through the ceiling...
What do you do?"
Abel Zeek promptly responds...
"I'm checking this place for secret doors..."
OK, another one from an Amber game...
Benedict has just hunted down a player character who has been exiled from
Amber, and invited him back. "Oh, and yeah, your dad committed suicide."
PC's reaction? "If you were anyone but Grandfather Death, I'd punch hell
out of you."
..I was a magic user in a party that was
trapped in an underground complex with a dragon between us and the
exit. The dragon was alert, aware of our presence and hostile.
In the safety of an adjoining chamber we discussed for ages what to do...
I was getting frustrated at the delay and so I stepped into the dragons lair
with a Wand of Lightning in hand... I reckoned if only I could get the drop
on the dragon I might have a chance to survive the encounter.
But then, as so often happens to me when I'm role-playing, a perverse muse
(inspired by the John Wayne movie, True Grit) took control of my mouth
and instead of filling the dragon with electricity without warning, my character
issued a challenge (where winning initiative would be all too critical)...
I yelled: "Go for your dice, you sonafabitch".
The sorry end to this tale is the dragon won initiative and fried my butt
before I was able to trigger the wand. End of character.
Actually, this reminds me of yet another occassion when my mouth got
the better of my survival insincts, this time whilst playing Cyberpunk 2020.
I was involved in a firefight on the rooftop of a multistorey building, I had
semi-auto pistols in both hands when one of the nomad oppostion simply
grabbed me by the collar and threw me bodily off the side of the building...
Faced with a long fall and certain death of the "red-jam-on-the-sidewalk"
variety the GM offered me a lifeline...
GM: "As you fall backwards you notice a safety-railing. What do you do..."
NICK's PC: "I empty the magazine of both pistols at the bastard nomad!!!!"
My character plunged to his death all guns blazing.
A player in my group generally played the mercenary fighter type in
D&D games. So we are in a dungeon and out steps a skeletal warrior.
"Why are you here?" it asks. We all look at each other. That player
has his character step forward confidently and says (honestly), "We're
here to loot and pillage!" with great enthusiasm. Needless to say,
it wasn't he right answer.
This same player also made the statement, "I make noise to attract
monsters so I can get more experience points."
Another player (the GM in the above game) was playing in a
techno-fantasy game and was involved in close combat with a very
skilled opponent. First, he tries shooting with his gun and gets that
knocked out of his hands. Then he draws his sword and that also gets
knocked out of his hands. Finally, he is standing there unarmed and
starts getting beaten around for few rounds as he makes unskilled
hand-to-hand combat rolls. Finally, the player looks down at his
character sheet and reads carefully. "Wait! I'm a MASTER at unarmed
combat!" That little detail helped quite a bit...
I've played AD&D with a group of friends. We were chasing a pack of
villains and at last caught up with them. One of nasties casts fear spell
at our elf fighter. He fails saving throw. DM removes his miniature from
the desk and says
"Your elf turns around, shouts 'Sevilla, here I come!' and splits."
We've trashed the scum in about 20 rounds. Several minutes later, DM says
"And the brave elven warrior returns, ready to hack them!"
Me: "All the way from Sevilla?"
Our MU: "And he brings us oranges, moor pottery and skillful Piccasso
We've totaly cracked up there, and Elf wrote those under his magic item
column. Later he tried to push some of those to Sthrad von Zarovich in
Ravenloft. Suprisingly, it didn't work...:)
I was GM'ing a group through the third adventure in "Something Rotten
in Kislev." The game system was WFRP. The party included a
spiked-and-tatoo'd Giant Slayer dwarf, a communist Halfling, a
militant priest of Ulric, and an elf necromancer, among others.
They had been sent by the Czar to investigate what had become of one of
his spies in the town of Bolgasgrad, a town in rebellion against the
Crown and rumored to be under Chaotic influence. So, when they got
there, they knew they had to operate subtly, incognito.....
So, of course, when they make their way to the house of the missing
agent, Julius Olvaga, they are met at the door by his elderly wife who,
naturally, is rather unnerved by all these strangers who have just
shown up at her door. The Halfling just about has her confidence when
the Giant Slayer decides this has gone on long enough and cries out
"Stand aside, we are agents of the Czar!"
Woman screams, slams door, and the rest is History. :)
Here are two from a *very* long-running Traveller campaign:
Our crack team of psychotic problem-solvers had been hired to rid
a planet of their number-one godfather of crime. Sneaking into his
headquarters, we carefully and quietly made our way to his private
quarters, stealthily terminating the opposition with hand-to-hand
combat, knives, swords, and the like.
When we finally reached his room, we all hunched outside the door
and unloaded all of the heavy hardware that we had been saving:
grenade launchers, auto-rifles, plasma guns, etc. On the count of
three we burst in the door and proceeded to renovate the room.
After ten seconds of this we stopped and looked at the smouldering
remains of the furniture.
Just as we started to congradulate ourselves, the bathroom door
opened and a naked man entered, coughing a bit before delivering
the line, "Gee dear, do you always smoke after sex?"
We later found ourselves on a balkanized planet with a pressing need
to leave. Unfortunately, the authorities had captured us and
insisted on our performing a minor service before our transport off-
planet could be arranged.
It seems that they were at war with one of the other countries and
needed a commando team to infiltrate the enemy headquarters and
neutralize their finest general. The fee would be 5000 credits and
transport to the nearest world if we brought him back dead and 10000
and transport if we brought him back alive.
We managed to get into the headquarters (definitely not in stealth
mode!) and had advanced up through the building to the conference
room. We knew we had him trapped, so I yelled through the oped door
that he should surrender. He fired off a few rounds at us. To
demonstrate our sincerity, I reached around the corner with an SMG
and fired a few rounds into the ceiling above where I thought he was.
He responded by getting an incredibly lucky hit that damn near blew
my hand off.
As I retreated and tried to stop the bleeding, Raymond (our resident
homicidal maniac) picked up his grenade launcher and prepared to fire
around the corner. Just before he made his move, one of the other
players shouted, "Remember that he's worth twice as much alive. Just
shoot to stun him!"
When Raymond was finished, we had trouble convincing the authorities
that the pieces in the bag actually *were* the general.
Our party (5th-6th level, I believe) are summoned by a huge dragon, who
sends us to explore an abandoned ogrillon temple for treasure and such.
After my mage re-emerges from his cave with these instructions, the
ranger starts walking in to "bargain" with the wyrm. The psi/fighter
(who had just joined the group) says "Would you like regular or extra
This situation came from a module called "Fate of Istus", and is from
the first adventure - a raid on a Sage's Tower. The party finally got into
the Sage's lab and found him dead (killed by one of his experiments). So,
being the good PCs they are, they raided his stuff. One of the things was a
The thief in the group determined that while it was unlocked, there
was a needle trap, and she couldn't disarm it. So, the noble ranger agrees to
open. HE wraps his hand in cloth and such, but the needle still penetrates
and does some minor damage. Unfortunately, the party being low level, had no
cure poison and thought that the poison was deadlier. The *CLERIC* yells,
"Cut off his finger before the poison spreads!" AFter this, the bard determines
that the poison had already done its damage.
And finally, to the funny part. Inside the cabinet were several
potions. So naturally, they decided to taste them all. And it seems that
the cleric got the refill of the needle poison. So as the cleric gags, the
ranger calls out, "Cut out his tongue before the poison spreads!"
There are also a bunch of one-liners from the current group:
"I saved myself by healing the enemy."
"Let's put it on! Maybe the curse is worth it."
"I'm maintaining my power over the cantelope." (said by a psionic)
"He's not a savage. He's wearing a hat."
"Keia, why are you using a weapon? You fight better without them."
"Keia try be civil-ized."
"Eat me." (said to a disguised mind flayer)
From an Al-Qadim campaign:
"She has a voice which bursts pimples."
"Seeing as how my sorcerer is drunk, he will pull down his pants
and sit in the jello mold."
Let's see, a fighter in our party asked a cleric...
"Now, the one you follow... is he a really religious god?"
When my 1st level fighter was growing up on the farm, we had a large number
of sheep. When he turned 20, his mother gave him some money to go to town
and have some fun. Not wanting to treat him like a child, but still wanting
him to come home early, she said: "Now when you come home, you wouldn't want
to scare the sheep." Our group then continually reminded me: "DON'T SCARE
THE SHEEP!" all night long.
One of the characters in our long running Harn game had a curse on him that he
summoned an Earth Elemental at noon each day. We were in an underground
complex, and found a godstone. We thought it would be useful for sending a
captive to justice through - but the mage had a critical failure in using it,
and *summoned* another mage from the place he was trying to send the captive
to. The other mage was understandably somewhat surprised at being summoned - "I
don't know, I was just on my way to lunch -" The other characters all turned to
the cursed character and said as one "Lunch?". Cracked us up...
This from an RoleMaster ages ago:
Our party were earning their pay as adouble agents on an enemy country,
which, I maight add, hated unlicensed magicians (we had one those) and
abhorred priests (we had one of those too). We had agreed on delivering
an important diplomatic message in behalf of this enemy country. Needless
to say, we had other plans for this message.
Just before leaving for our appointed journey, in walks this shady
character who pretends to give us our last briefing, asking some
questions in the while. Not too soon we realise this is some psionists,
casting a standard spell that forces a truthful answer to a simple
yes/no -type of question. Since guards are nearby, we are forced to
under-the-table counterspells, and luck with resistance rolls. Still,
the psionists gets some good ones in, and interrogates our priest, asking
if we were to go directly to our destination, etc. Mollified by the
said priests fast talking, he finally goes for the break asking:
The Psionic: "Now, is it really sure you are not going to betray us?"
Our Priest: "Yes! We are not going to betray you!"
(hint: consider a no -answer on similar vein)
Both the psionic and GM were too mollified to try anything else for awhile.
In an AD&D game many years ago, we discovered a hole in a corridor leading
down to the next level. The rest of the party climbed down to take a quick
look around, while my character stood over the hole to hold the rope the rest
of them would climb back up on when they had determined whether it was safe.
Unfortunately, they were attacked by Nasty Things rather soon, and never got
back. As they continued wandering for their lives down there, my character was
all but forgotten.
Periodically through the rest of the session, I would interject for no reason,
"I continue holding the rope."
This, of course, culminated in my creating a character a month or so later
named "Whole D'Roap." :-)
Game: GURPS Supers
Setting: Modern, with two characters: Bloodbath (aside from super ST and
Clinging, just a normal 500-point Special Forces guy) and Vindicator (a
high-powered psi, with Telepathy, enough Psychokinesis to lift a car or
vaporize a rifle in one second, but no common sense to go with it).
Vindicator has enough Levitation to fly at Mach 1.1, but he's also
Acrophobic! NOT a problem with low-level flight, but...
Adventure: The city is going insane from TV broadcasts. Vinny and
Bloodbath are at the top of a 7-story building, discussing how to find
the source of the TV broadcasts. Vindicator's solution?
"I activate Levitation and fly about half a mile up to look for antennae."
Me: "Okay...um, when you're about 1000 feet up, you start looking around.
Oh, make your fright check."
"Oh yeah...I, um, rolled a 16." [A near critical failure!]
Me: "Fortunately, the bodies in the street cushion your fall...you only
take 16 dice of damage." [3 dice can kill a mortal]
Same team (yup, he survived), slightly different adventure. They had been
captured and were wearing Super-Stopping Manacles (TM). So they only had
about 10% of their normal powers, and were being driven down a hall in a
BB: "We need a distraction!"
V: "I think I can still TK the locks on my manacles. Can I?"
Me: "Roll against TK at -5, and it'll cost you 5 fatigue."
V: [rolls] "I...got a 17. Critical failure."
Me: "Okay, Vindicator passes out and falls out of the cart. He hits the floor
and rolls for a dozen yards."
BB: "Perfect! That's JUST the diversion we needed!"
I'm not sure if he was sarcastic or serious...
One particular Champions module at Texas A&M several years ago
took the intrepid group of South Central Texas superheroes out into the
Gulf of Mexico in search of a secret underwater base. One of the heroes
that came along was a martial artist-type named LoneStar (a Texas Ranger
and state hero). LS had absolutely no Life Support, and only the bare
minimum swimming movement, and no Flight to use underwater. All of the
other heroes dove off the rowboat that the Coast Guard had lent them and
engaged the underwater foes guarding the installation, leaving LoneStar
to guard the boat and wonder if anybody might attack him. Everytime that
it would roll around to his turn (quite often, he was a Speed 6
character), LS's player would say (in his best Hollywood Texas accent):
"I sit in mah dinghy and hold mah action."
I think my favorite line had to come from a Call of Cthulhu game I was
running. I had this giant monster chasing the party. (Sorry, I forget
which one; just assume it's mean, nasty, and wants to kill them all.)
Me: "You hear heavy thudding footsteps behind you."
The players (having had experiences with this kind of monster before):
"We start running".
At this point, when the monster realizes it can't catch up with them on
foot (it's big but slow), it levitates itself and follows them.
Me: "The footsteps stop."
The players (whose characters are getting exhausted): "We stop running."
The monster then descends and lands on one of the characters, who is
crushed into a fine red jelly. The characters start running again.
Me: "You hear the footsteps behind you again."
The players: "We keep running."
Me: "The footsteps stop again."
The players look at each other, then at me, and say "We keep running!"
The group that I role play with uses the whitewolf system, STREET
FIGHTER. There were four of us,three women and one man, and we had just
gotten caught infliltrating the bad guys' headquarters. An intense fight
insued between our three good guys and the other twelve bad (or so) bad
guys. One of the women were learning how to play the system and was
still not accostomed to the different skills and tecniques that were
involved in combat. Unfortunately, she was pitted against a bigger and
more experienced foe. Her character was struck, and was to receive more
damage than she had hit points (this would result in unconsciousness).
The newbie player looked around in frustration and said 'But I don't want
to die! I can't die. My character has survival!"
ONe time in a Marvel Super Heroes campaign we had a new gamer
playing a shapechanger. She was carrying the team brick, a 650+ pound
slab of muscle and fur called Yeti, when she was hit by the 150 M.P.H.
winds of a weather controller.
She said " I fly into the winds "
Dm said " How can you do that "
She said " I got "Super Techno-Adjustable Wings"
We lost it.
Ever since then, whenever you want to do something outright
impossible you just say " Sure I can, cause I got " Super Techno-
Dwarf in full plate with friends, searching for a famous dragon in the caves
below somewhere or other.
Dwarf and friends fight orcs on bridge. Dwarf falls off. Dwarf tries to swim.
Friends try to help. Dwarf disappears under water.
Current pulls dwarf through dragon's cave. Dragon fishes dwarf out and lays
him in the middle of his treasure. All this unknwown to player. I say
"You awake on a bed of gold."
Dwarf says "I make a perception roll to see if I'm dead".
We have a member, Mark, who absolutely loves to play theives. I remember
one time we were trying to create a diversion for some reason or another and
Mark looks at the GM and says, "James, I'm going to act like I am picking his
Since that time anytime someone didn't have the right skill to accomplish
something we would "act" like we were doing it...and send the entire group into
fits. Acting has become the most powerful skill in the game. :->
"I am going to act like I am shooting those 9 bad guys coming through
"I am going to act like I am repairing the Hyperdrive Engine."
"I am going to act like I am seducing her."
I'm running _Horror on the Orient Express_ for Call of Cthulhu. The
characters were at the opening night performance of _Aida_ at La Scala in
Milan. They had been given front-row seats by the lead, who had since
vanished. So there they were, just across from the orchestra pit, expecting
the _absolute_ worst to happen during the performance, completely unarmed and
lamenting the fact. They began cracking nervous jokes, and I had to deal with
"Maybe I can use the long stemmed roses I brought for the soprano to
"How much armour protection does a slide trombone provide?"
One player "Let me check the tactical position again. GM, where did you say
the bathrooms were?"
Other player, not thinking, "Well, you could always use the orchestra pit!"
It made building a sense of tensiona nd foreboding impossible, let me
My character is pulled through a doorway by a mean evil nasty creature.It
slams the door behind it. Party members try to come to my aid.
The fighter who lost one of his arms in the last adventure wins initiative.
HE DRAWS HIS SWORD, runs to the closed door, and screams:
"HEY, quick, somebody open the door for me! OPEN THE DOOR!"
Hmmm, we was in Dragon Mountain (still are, actually...) and the 1/2 orc
high priest of Gruumsh and his two lackeys tried to convert a few captured
kobolds. They believe in "Pacifism by Submission", a.k.a. beat them 'til
they agree with you. The chief lackey was holding the kobolds and shaking
vigorously, yelling "CONVERT! CONVERT TO GRUUMSH!" in their faces. The
DM rolls a few dice, and sez, "You hear a snapping sound as the kobold's
neck snaps." After the same thing happens for the next five or so, the
DM turns to the player and sez, "By the way, did you know that the kobolds
don't speak common?"
Runequest: the PCs are facing a bunch of goat-headed broo; one leaps
at the lead PC who hefts his sword and shield.
"He's going to butt you," announces the GM.
Strike ranks are tallied.
"Do I beat his butt?" demands the player.
"I don't know," deadpans the GM. "Do you?"
Again Runequest: again a fight with broo. The PC warrior shatters
a broo's spear with his sword. The broo (not a goat-headed one,
this time) attempts to grapple him. The PC fumbles. Rolls on the
fumble table are duly made: "Fall Down" and "Lose Armour". The
armour location is rolled for: "Abdomen". The PC loses his chain-
mail skirt and falls over. The broo continues its grapple attack.
Simultaneously, the players and GM remember what broos are famous
for (their ability to mate with *anything*, for non-RQers).
"Oh, no!" wails the player.
The GM grins evilly.
Well, we were only about 15 at the time...
This one cracked the entire party up, 'though it could have been a
My Cthulhu investigators were crammed into a cabin on the Orient
Express, armed with garlic, shotguns and sharpened bits of wooden
Being a kind keeper I had decided that the compartment counted as
a 'home' of sorts, and the vampire who was hunting them (for those
who hadn't guessed...) had to make do with floating along outside
their window holding an unconscious comrade, making threats and
generally scorning their pitiful mortal existance. At which point
came from a rather shaky character the fateful.
"Come here and say that"
In a champions game:
GM: Your group is now being forced against the wall by a bunch of super agents.
Player: How much is a bunch?
GM: (thinking thoughtfully for a moment) about eighty.
Player: (verty quietly) Oh.
GM: What do you do.
Player: Well, I have a code vs. Killing so I'll hold my action till they do
GM: Alright. Many branish weapons. And one fires a rocket at you.
Player: I'll deflect the rocket.
GM: Roll to hit.
Player: Hm. I think I was thinking about my other character, I don't have
GM: OK. Quickly, what do you do?
Player: I'll catch it.
GM: Roll your grab.
Player: A five.
GM: OK, you catch it. Roll 7 dice?
GM: Just roll.
GM: They all turn around and run away!
Player: Why? (He was very confused)
GM: You just caught a rocket. They were very impressed! Normal people don't
In an adventure I ran some time ago...
The party came across a trap zone liberally marked "Trapped!" "Do not Enter
if you value your body!"
Of course the party's Macho Warrior ran through as fast as he could.
At the end of the corridor, he hits the "Flesh to Air" spell-trap, turns
around and says, "Ya-ya, what are you bozos lookin at?"
Well, it was funny as hell at the time, this living skeleton stayed with
the party for a long time. Even threatened to kill the cleric who was
attempting to reverse the trap. He liked the "New Me". go figure.
Player: I'll spend a blood point on Celerity, use my first action to get
on the bus, and then the other five actions to hit the driver in the back
of the head until he's unconscious. Then I'll drop him on the floor next
to me, close the door, and start running over the guys in suits.
Meanwhile, I'll pick up the rest of the party so we can get out of here.
[Later... from a party member who had missed that night's gaming]
"YOU STOLE A BUS???!?!!!?"
Our DM had just put all of his sheets from the Monstrous Compendium in
plastic wallets. He turned to the group and said "I like to keep all
my monsters in plastic bags, it makes them last longer!" We all fell
about laughing when someone chipped in "Why, hasn't the barbarian
worked out how to undo the twist ties?"
Probably he best crack-up line I can remember is when in an adventure
I ran recently an ancient undead magic wielder offered an orb to the party's
mage that would give him all the knowledge and experiences and power that the
mage had. The mage in return commented, "And could probably win a hell of a
lotta cash on Jeopardy!"
The best Crack-me-up I heard was when I was experimenting with written
moves during combat, to simulate the chaos and lack of communication. I
was at the time running a party of 18 *players* (1/2 - 2/3 of whom would
be present for any given session) so I thought it would expedite things.
In a battle with a mummy, one rattled player, scrambling to write his
action in the time allowed wrote "I run up on back of mummy, and hit
the bastard, with my sword" No prizes for guessing what kind of sword he
Player of recently-obliterated character: Hey, why didn't you guys save
Team leader: Because the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few...
or the DUMB!
>>Dwarf says "I make a perception roll to see if I'm dead"
Well, to continue the story, the dragon was a dark drake (all sorts of
elemental ickiness at his command) who was dying and needed someone, preferably
another drake, but a dwarf would do, to sing his death.
As a payment for doing this the dragon fixed up his left hand to be composed of
shadow (immune to crits, can dematerialise) and gave him a shadow beast that
he could summon.
Eventually the dwarf gets back to the rest of the part (days later and they're
back at town), riding on the shadow beast and waving his hand at them.
"I thought he was dead" "Is he dead?"
"I make a perception roll to see if he's dead"
They never were entirely sure or not. Until he was flame-grilled by a demon
much much later. No one needed a perception roll then.
Okay, here's another one: The party has just fought a hellish
battle against a whole passle of Drow. We're about eigth level on average,
and have all been really torqued. There's no clerical magic obove level two
spells, and my character, a Kensai (modified for 2nd ed), is down to about
half of his hit points after refusing any healing.
So my character has taken some time early in the morning to practice
a bit, and being the most arrogant sword-saint on his world and several
others, he is off by himself. After all, what could possibly harm the
greatest swordsman time has ever seen?
So, about an hour into practise, GM asks for a perception roll, and
I make it, noticing that a large reptilian head is watching me, resting atop
a nearby boulder. The dragon's head rears up when it sees that it has been
noticed at last and it lets loose a thunderous mocking laugh, expecting the
puny human to run in fear.
Unfortunatly, the dragon (and the GM) forgot that Kensai are immune
to fear. The conversation went a little like this (And yes, I do play the
character this arrogant and long winded. It's quite a bit of fun):
Kuno (my character): Ah, great worm, you have no doubt come to observe my
swordsmanship. As the greatest swordsman in the world, I am flattered.
Dragon: No, human. I come to deliver a message from my master.
Kuno: Ah, that is well. Deliver your message. I promise not to slay you
until you have finished it. Hmm, on second thought, this is such a good day
I do not think I will slay you at all. You may deliver your message and
then leave in peace, knowing you have been spared by my hand.
Dragon: Heh. You are arrogant for a mortal.
Kuno: HAH! I AM ARROGANT FOR A MINOR GOD!!! (group busts up) Deliver your
message, or I may revoke my earlier kindness.
Surprisingly enough, Kuno survived the experience. Showing that
Dragons can have a sense of humor.
One of my favourite Star Wars characters was an 'Armchair Historian',
however I took this rather literaly. He was disabled and rode around
in a Davros style repulsorlift chair, muttering about how 'It was
never like this in the old days, you kids have it easy!'
We had the misfortune of having a Jawa as ship's engineer, scavenging
was in his blood. He used to steal parts from the ship's drainage and
life support system to repair the weapons systems!
Anyway, we were in the middle of an infiltration mission in an
Imperial base, when the Jawa decides he needs some parts from my
chair to fix up a landspeeder. The smelly little oik jumps on the
back of my chair and opens the access panell.
AH : "Oy, get off you little wretch, what do you think your'e doing.
Jawa : "Ouche, heheday, juba-repulsorcar, degoobar! Chair has many
backup systems. Work fine, just take this - MWAAAaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!
A blue spark bursts from the inspection hatch and the chair leaps into
the air and careers off down the coridoor. None of the controlls
The scene cuts to a hanger nearby. A huge black figure with breathing
problems is inspecting the troops. Suddenly an old man in a flying chair
carreers into the hanger, a Jawa clinging on the back by one hand, with
a large piece of repulsorlift controll system in the other, both
screaming at the tops of their voices. Stormtroopers scatter out of the
way as the chair whiscks round the room and shoots off down a side ramp,
the sounds of screaming echoing into the distance.
The imposing black figure turns an armoured head to his aide. He raises
a black armoured hand and flexes his fingers.
"HSSsssSHhhhhh... NOW THAT'S SOMETHING YOU DON'T SEE EVERY DAY!"
The best crack up line I've heard is from a champons game, not
AD&D...Someone in the party had a hard day and said (in character): "I
could really go fro a screwdriver." My frined reached into his real life
back pack and handed her an orange and a potato and said "One
screwdriver, some assembly required."....He said that he had been waiting
sometime to use that line.......I never asked him how long the orange and
potato had been in his bag in the first place....
This isn't the best but it is the most immediate. This is actaully from a
novice group of players, which is why I though it was impresive. First of
all as a DM I beleive highly in random encounters for I would have never
chosen this encounter, even if the players did need to be humbled. The
group was an elvin 3rd level Swashbuckler, a half-elvin 2nd/1st level
fighter/mage, a 2nd level cleric of a Goddess of beauty, a sylvain elf 4th
level ranger, and a 2nd level halfling thief. Only the levels are important
actually. They were in a temparate forest region and I rolled for a random
encounter a Myst Dragon and then continued to roll for age and got very old.
Needless to say they would have been stupid to attack, luckily for them a
Myst Dragon is Nuetral. Just for the hell of it I had the Myst Dragon
actually approach them. They played it well and had thier characters be
scared sh_tless. The 3rd level fighter managed to blurt out some words and
actually had a psuedo-conversation with the dragon. The ending is the amusing
Dragon: "I just came out to get something to eat."
Player: "Oh so your a vegatarian."
Dragon: "Oh I eat anything I want."
Player: "I beleive that."
Last nights game session:
Situation: Some nephandi and BSD's are trying to convert this person to the wyrm
they're just holding her over the pool, we're trying to fend off the two
werewolves and nephandi adepts as somebody else tries to kill the mage holding
GM:(OOC)Join the dark side luke.
Me;(Also OOC)I cant I'm too busy going crazy.
(my Character looked, by mistake in the pool that you find at the bottom of
Black Spiral Dancer caerns, you know, the one that shows the face of the wyrm.)
I was running a nice cosy little Call of Cthulhu game. One newbie player
(not too bright) was present; the others had been playing for a while.
We were just warming up for the night; while I was helping the newbie get
his character sheet together, a couple of the veterans were discussing a
car they planned to buy together. At this point, while I'm explaining
about skills to the newbie, he looks up and asks confusedly, "Do I have a
This got *me* rather confused, until he explained by pointing to the skills
section of his character sheet: "It says 'Dodge' here...."
Today at the first running of my PAranoia/Call of Cthulhu game...
One of the PC's had what he thought was a Disintegration Ray, which he told
everyone was a TEleport Ray. It WAS in fact a Teleport ray... but he didn't
know that. ANYWAY... The ray was getting overused... (It was shot back and
forth and what not , at everyone and everything, and even at the
Necronomicon... which REFLECTED IT back at the players...)
Well, when using it on Great Cthulhu himself, the I said "Well, the gun begins
to smoke and all of a sudden it melts in your hands."
To which he replied "Not in my mouth?"
The party found a luxurious room in the dungeon and went to ransack
the place, ignoring the DM's description. There was supposed to be
a giant bear in the place (acting like a rug or something) but no one
noticed. A bit peeved, the DM had this bear attack the lot of us from
out of nowhere, and by surprise.
"Wait a minute! You never said there was a monster here!"
"Sure I did. [reads] 'In the room there is a chair, bear, table...'"
Later the DM tried it again:
"You see a chest, dragon, flagon..."
He didn't get any farther.
DM (after hours of gaming, when asked what the thief hears at a door):
"It sound like an empty hallway".
The situation involved a need for risky reconaissance and a low-level
invisibility spell that only affected the body of the recipient:
"I don't mind being stripped naked and thrown in the air if you think it
Here's another from my group of Shadowrunners. The players are in
the middle of a street shoot out (involving a number of snipers, a few
gunmen on street level and a couple of magicians). For some reason our GM
mentions "You see a car stop at the end of the block and a man step out."
One of the more ..er.. reactionary players blurts out, "I shoot him."
The GM blinks. "Okay. Roll." The player rolls. "Good. You just
shot a pimp."
During a recent Robotech campaign, my game master (who was also playing)
sent me and my wingman (wingwoman? I digress) down to the engine room of a
captured Zentraedi ship to try and start the sucker up. We had a friendly
Zentraedi on board, but she wasn't much help, so after much discussion my
buddy and I started banging away on various switches in the engine room.
We managed to short the lights out a couple times, and eventually my
squad leader asked me, "what the fuck are you guys doing down there?"
Beth, my wingman, responded with "we're trying to move this damn thing,
that's what. Do *you* know how to do it?"
Jason, our squadron leader, looked at her dead-faced and said, "No, but
here's a hint - if it starts to explode, you've gone too far."
(Later on in the campaign, Jason said, to a Destroid pilot, "betcha wish
you'd chosen something more aerodynamic, eh?" right before the ship
You see, our adventuring party (RuneQuest) was low on food while
tromping through the wilderness, when one of us noticed a panther
skulking in the woods. The animal had wisely decided not to attack a band
of seven heavily armoured and beweaponed warriors, and was trying to
sneak off, but one of the more bloodthirsty/paranoid of the group (I
forget who) let'er rip with a bow. Well, can't let a wounded creature
crawl off to die like that, in horrible pain and all, so my character and
the other nomad of the bunch decide to finish the poor beast off, which
we do in short order. (Bows are SO much more effective in RQ than in
that other game I'm not going to mention...)
Anyway, short on food as we were, we set to work cooking it. Later on,
when a new character joined the party, and was offered some of the
rations, reacted (in the same tone of voice as that guy on Monty Python
who says, "Lemon curry?!") "PANTHER jerky?"
I've had a lot of good lines, I just can't remeeber most of them right
now. From a recent GURPS Campaign, run mostly in TL3, (TL stands for Tech
Level, which is a useful term for classification of items of different
technologies.) I had players who kept asking about anachronistic devices:
"Can I buy a musket?"
"Musket's don't appear until TL5."
Stuff like that.The best ones are as follows:
Mage:"Summon Spirit, Huh. I should look up Elvis with this."
Me :"Elvis doesn't appear until TL6."
Mage: "So we're trying to take down a Pirate operation. Maybe we should try
a Trojan horse type-thing."
Me: "Trojans don't appear until TL7."
OKay, this was told to me by a player in the game, but, hey, humor is humor.
The game is Call of Cthulhu
The players are creeping around an abandoned and dark old mansion in pursuit
of a vampire, whom they have just chased upstairs. In the lead is the `athlete
type (not too bright, but strong and handsome). They are creeping up the stairs
when someone in the back asks, "Well, what do you see up there?"
GM hands athlete a note.
Athlete character: "I see a piano?"
Others: "AHHHH!!! Run!!!!"
Athlete turns and watches his companions scamper dopwn the stairs: "What?"
Sound of large heavy upright piano crushing character...
I was playing the only dwarf in a partly of mostly humans and elves. Kazrak
Kelrakson was a fighter-cleric under second edition AD&D rules. Because
I was a fighter-cleric, worshiping the dwarven war-god, my DM decided that,
instead of a "turn undead" ability, I should be able to force a morale check
when "leading a mostly dwarven force".
Kazrak and two of the other characters are in a cave with three tunnels
leading out. We're attacked with missile weapons from one of the tunnels;
all three of us are hit. The other characters are knocked out by sleep
poison on the missiles; being a dwarf, I resist. I look at the DM, and ask
"Am I a mostly dwarven force now?"
This campaign also featured target vomiting from dragonback. I was on
dragonback (unwillingly), and was given a liquid to "calm my nerves" before
we went. The liquid in question was syrup of ipecac, used medically to
induce vomiting. We're flying along, and I'm losing my lunch (so is the
magic-user, but that's just becuase he's a wimp), when we're attacked from
the ground. The DM asked each player how they wanted to react. When he
got to me, he said "You're still throwing up." "Okay," I replied, "can I
try to hit the attackers with it?" I tried, but missed.
One of the players in our group was killing time reading a Call of
Cthulu book, and running down the list of ancient demonic eldritch
horrors. He came upon "The Thing That Should Not Be" and immediately
looked at the ceiling and said:
"I really wish you weren't."
In a wizards campaign using the Hero rules, we three players were given
the task of bringing back the head of a dragon. After searching for
information regarding where to find dragons and how to kill them, we
discover that we must use live bait, and that great white sharks are
best for these purposes. So we go to the ocean and get some of these
sharks. I transform them into coins that will turn back into sharks
when the coin's name is spoken. I choose the easily remembered name
of "Dragon Bait Number X". After getting six of them, we decide to
give it a try. Since the transformation was my Idea, I get to pull
it off. On our first try I toss out the appropriate coin and say
"Dragon Bait Number 6" thinking that I can more easily keep track of
the coins that way. A dragon quickly appears and gobbles up the shark
and flies away. I try again, tossing out a coin,"Dragon Bait Number 5"
and the same result.
We decide upon a plan to keep the dragon around for the next time. I
pull out the next coin and say "three times a charm" and toss it. My
'buddy' quickly calls out "Dragon Bait Number 3"-
"NO!...4!" I cry out rapidly clawing at my pocket.
I had total ly forgotten about this one until reminded by this post...
My friends and I were running an introduction to D&D at the local library
about 12 years ago, and had pre-made characters for everyone. When the
group surprised a room full of Kobolds playing poker, we asked everyone
in the group what they were going to do. This fighter said that he was
going to hit one with his sword and another with his chain.
"With your what?" I asked.
"Here on my sheet, under Weapons and Armor - it says I have a +1 chain..."
I just remembered a moment in a Villains & Vigilantes game a few months ago
that cracked _me_ up. Maybe you'll get a chuckle out of it too. The heroes
were exploring a subterranean complex built by Sinister Forces, skulking
about the corridors from room to room.
I told them, "...the corridor turns to the east. On the west wall, you see
a door. There is a sign on it, labelling it _Supplies_."
At which point, EVERYBODY in the group shouted out "SUPPLIES!!" (to rhyme
with "surprise"). Well, _I_ laughed...
I was playing a vampire game once, where the party was holed up in
an old house after a big fight and hard-won victory w/ other vampires.
Unfortunately, the police showed up to investigate the gunshots,
and we found ourselves fighting w/ them too. (They wanted to arrest
us and take us out into the sunlight...which would have been a bad
thing...) Anyhow, the GM had very stereotypical police, with boxes
of donuts, and one with a danish stuck in his mouth. The guy
with the danish was giving the party lots of trouble in the ensuing
gunfight, until finally one of the players managed to strafe him
w/ bullet fire.
GM: You've hit the cop with the danish. He is bleeding from the shoulder,
has a gunshot wound in...
Player (interrupting): Hell with all that! Just tell me if I knocked the
danish out of his mouth.
GM (looks strangely at player, then rolls dice): Yeah. You knocked out the
The entire party erupted in cheers and high-fives.
In a Star Wars run I was refereeing, one of the players got nabbed by
this big, nasty, carniverous beastie intent upon eating (amongst other
horrible fates) the unlucky character. While the rest of the stood
around looking rather dim, the player hanging by a foot up inthe air says
"Get me down, get me down, I owe you money". :)
Our Shadowrun party tended to let its reach exceed its grasp, so the following
scene tended to recur again and again:
GM: "Do you have a skill in that?"
Player: "No... but I have a stat!"
I think the weirdest one was when I had to use dexterity as a substitute
for a Knitting skill. (And yes, this was a serious situation. Our lives
were riding on that knitting roll.)
Something a while ago, from my Harn campaign.
The PCs are trying to kill the evil dark lord, Lothrim the Foulspawner, by
giving him a gift which will hypnotise him while they kill him. They've
infiltrated his base and decide that the best thing is if the powerful mage and
one of the warriors stays in the background. The other warror (a woman),
the shaman (a woman) and a barbarian (a man) dressed in a makeshift suit of
armour made from the shell of a giant crustacean he killed recently, go forward
and pretend they want to enlist in his forces.
They creep subserviently towards his throne and bow low. "Oh great and powerful
lord of Harn," says the shaman, "we have travelled many leagues to join your
forces. We wish to help you in your great plans of conquest."
The dark lord stirs in his seat and looks down at the PCs. There is a long
silence. Finally, he says, in tones of the deepest sarcasm, "How useful."
Pause. "Two women and a lobster."
[NOTE from editor: this sig was so cool I just had to keep it!]
"The earth is degenerating these days. Bribery and corruption
abound. Children no longer mind their parents, every man
wants to write a book, and it is evident that the end of the
world is fast approaching." - Assyrian Tablet, c.2800BC
Well I have a couple from Rpg experience...
While playing a Vampire(White wolf) campaign One player faced with ineviatable
doom in one oppenent says "I will jump out the window"... The GM replies
"Okay but you do realise that you are on the 26th floor"... player
"... Ah yeah but at least this way I have a chance to survive :)".
The player did survive that encounter but died soon after when he fired a
rocket launcher in a sealed room full of petrol fumes.
The very first game system my group played was Star Wars. In the first
adventure, the players were trying to talk to a wookie npc (none of the
spoke the language). Suddenly one of the players decided he wanted to try
his pick-pocket skill. The other players warned him not to, but he
reasured them 'look at my dexterity, nothing can go wrong!'.
Yeah, you guessed it. He didn't simply fail the roll, but he failed in
epic proportions. The wookie, not amused, turned around and used his face
as a punching bag. The player ended up mortally wounded (would have died
without immediat medical attention)
A couple years later, we're playing AD&D. A couple players (call them A & B)
are trading treasure, including the player mentioned above (he's player A).
Player B said he wouldn't bother trying for A's healing potions since A
needs them often. Player A responded 'I don't get hurt that often'. Player B
put his hand on A's shoulder, and with a perferctly straight face said
'Okay, let's forget the wookie incident...' We were laughing for 20 minutes.
I guess you had to have been there.
Just this afternoon in PenDragon, the PC knights had split up
to go hunting, agreeing that we should return with the *first* animal
we found. My partner & I quickly returned with a fallow deer, but the
other pair wasn't so lucky; the tracker fumbled his Hunting skill, and
ended up chasing a rabbit! After chasing it for a while it dashed out
of the woods toward a road where it hid under the skirts of a passing
nun, who asked the knights to let it go unharmed; they agreed, for which
a Merciful check was given, & 10 Glory for being merciful. It was remarked
that if the knight did that 100 times, he'd get a Glory point. Someone
said he would also be renowned for being kind to rabbits. I said he would
be Sir Ioun Hare-Savior.
He would be the Knight of the Lepus.
[Night of the Lepus is a really bad TV movie from the '70s about
giant rampaging killer bunnies. Bunnies the size of pick-up trucks.]
A few years ago, in our MERP campaign, this happened:
My character, a small hobbit thief (or merchant of used-up things, as he
called himself) was getting into trouble with a HUGE man (about 7 feet tall
very muscular guy). The guy called me "a dwarf", on which the dwarf of our
party, of course, said that I was a hobbit and HE was a dwarf (he was very,
very proud fellow).
Well, the man tried to hit the dwarf. When the GM asked us what we
would like to do, I said, without any thought: "Well, I bite his leg from
That was funny already, but it got funnier when I actually hit and
managed to inflict maximum damage with tiny bite! The fellow stopped his
fighting at that moment, and everybody exploded into laughter. Actually, the
damage would always had made our mage unconcious. I never managed to inflict
that much damage with my short sword (well, once to a giant spider...)
Afterwards, it became a slogan of my character:
"Shut up, or I bite you in the leg."
One of the only things I liked about shadowrun was that it gave experience
for cracking the party up in laughter. This makes for very entertaining games.
The best line came from my best friend. The party was being stalked by an
undead assassin and had recently been blown up. They were all in hospital
in skin tanks getting better, except for our troll who had managed to soak all
the damage. Unfortunately he knew if he fell asleep alone the assassin
would kill him. So he went to an all night diner that served a bottomless cup
of coffee to wait the four to five days it took for the rest of the party to get
He started off at one cup every hour then every half hour etc. By the end he was
drinking a litre of Expresso every ten minutes. Finally he could call the
to see if we were better. And the player was really getting into his character,
was slurring his words, stuttering and generally sounding like someone who
was was on a caffiene-overload and sleep-deprevation diet for the last four
- "G-g-guys? Y-y-you gotta, y-y-you gotttta come p-p-p-ick, pick,
p-p-pick memememe uppp!"
- "Gart, you sound like shit. Why don't you have a cup of coffee, or
And in a one-off Aliens game:
Every member of ourcolonial marine corp unit had a "dead man's belt" on.
It was 4 radio detonated grenades. The idea was that if you got captured by the
the luitenant would detonate the belt and you might take a few aliens with you.
Well, as luck would have it, my character got captured by the aliens. The GM
gave me second to scream out one thing before I disappeared. I tried to shout
"Blow me up, Blow me up." But in the heat of the moment I screamed
"Blow me! Blow me!"
My obituary in a fanzine was:
RIP Leroy "Black Ball" Washington
Never have sex with an alien.
I was GMing a group of players in rifts. One character was a
paritial conversion borg minitaur, that is he was over nine feet tall and
gleeming with all kinds of shiny metal. Well as luck would have it they
were captured by one of their major enemies. He put each one of them
alone in his prison. The cells were 10X10X10 feet and solid steel, the
insides were sheer metal, i.e. there was nothing in the cells. Anyway
this minitaur decides he'd had enough. So what does he do?
Minitaur: I prowl (rolls dice) I make it.
Me: You what?
Minitaur: I prowl, I made my roll. I'm hiding.
Me: Where are you hiding? (Note at this point I'm trying not to
laugh, just giving him the benefit of the doubt.
Minitaur: (note this isn't made up, he was completely serious,
not to mention he had the "what are you, stupid?" tone of voice) In the
corner, of course!
Well the rest of us fell down laughing (he never thought it was
funny). As far as we could tell the minitaur put his head in the corner
with his eyes shut, and whispered "You can't see me, you can't see
me....." Sort of an ostridge type thing
Here's some background for Non-Warhammer Fantasy Battle
people: Halflings in that game have an amazing bonus to their
personality. In fact the worst tempered halfing has a higher
personality than the most pleasant starting character from
any other race.
One particular halfing was fed up with the common
view of halflings as 'short good-natured fellows' (which
happens to be true, btw). So he tried to instigate a
revolution among his peers to change thier image with such
'Throw off the shackles of your own good natures!'
'Humans are such easy prey!'
'Come out of the kitchen and experience true power!'
Side note: cooking is based off of personality, so
guess who always got stuck with the cooking?
In a Rolemaster game, I (a Bounty Hunter) was trying to explain the fine art
of assassination to a Nightblade (played by a 13-year old, hence the need
for explanation). We were "guests" of a town that never let anyone leave
once they found it, and every weekend people were selected from the populace
to fight in the arena. We were each given private quarters with in-room
bath (about the size of a Jacuzzi). I invited the leader of these people to
my quarters for discussion of the terms of our "surrender" to the town's
wishes. The plan was for the Nightblade to hide under the water of the full
bath with just a breathing tube. I would sit in front of the bath to obscure
the tube. When I, in the course of conversation, dipped my hand into the
water and lightly rapped on the inside of the tub, the Nightblade would rise
up out of the water, crossbow ready, and shoot the enemy leader. The group
agreed that this was a good plan, except the Nightblade. He didn't
understand it even after the 4th time I explained it. When the GM wanted to
continue and I started hurriedly explaining for the 5th time, the Paladin's
player (yeah, Nightblades and Paladins... it was a weird game) grabbed the
Nightblade's player by the shoulders and said:
"Read the cue cards, Luke!" (said in a Obi-Wan style voice)
Not suprisingly, the Nightblade's player was the only one who didn't crack
up laughing for 15 minutes (he didn't get it).
There is a girl playing a pixie in one of the Rolemaster games I'm in and
we had gone thru a few adventures and scenarios where there were a lot of
traps/levers, hidden compartments, the whole works.. well.. we came
across this statue barring the way into an area and, being a pixie and a
little flighty... started searching the statue.. after looking it over
for about 5 minutes and not finding anything as of yet, she asked the
fatal question 'Is the penis a lever??'.. the entire game broke up for
20 minutes cause we were just dying laughing..
From a recent Star Wars game:
GM (looks at character sheet): Do you really want to carry this many
Briefing Officer: Frankly, you're not the best, but you're the best we
could do on such short notice.
Player (thought dawning): We outnumber YOU.
Port Authority: It won't do you any good to look in the other spaceports
for a better fee; I own them all.
Player: who's your heir?
Player (on wideband): There's a Darth Vader-like figure on the loose,
probably Darth Vader!
From the second AD&D module in the slavelords series:
DM: You fail your Dexterity roll
Player: Even with roller skates on?
DM: Even with roller skates on.
One Player: Why are we here anyway?
Other Player (confused): We want slaves, I think.
(Another, similar adventure)
"As concerned citizens of...(aside) what were we concerned
citizens of, again?"
And finally, from a quickie out of a Ravenloft Book of Lairs:
Player(after depositing the guard-captain-who-was-really-a-fiend at a
house in town to recover from his wounds, and finding out the
awful truth): Oh shit, I just doomed a family.