My GM Won't Let Me Die!
From: Randy Patton
Subject: Re: My GM Won't Let Me Die!
Date: 1 Feb 1995 20:00:30 GMT
Organization: Virginia Tech English Department
In article Nana Yaw
Ofori, firstname.lastname@example.org writes:
> Seeing that bizzare "My GM Wants to Kill Me" Thread, I decided to
>the opposite of it, to see if any of you have been placed in a situation
>where you wanted to die, but the GM wouldn't let you. It's happened to
>few times. Here's one.
Oh, BOY! I've been wanting to tell this story for a long time:
When I was in high school, the only campaign in town was being run by
a diehard D&D/AD&D player who was considered something of a hardass by
his players. His campaign had few absolute rules, but one of them was
that once an individual had begun roleplaying a character, he couldn't
create another until the first one had died.
One of the players in this campaign came up with some really stellar
character creation rolls and decided to play a monk. The DM warned him
that such a character wouldn't fit the campaign very well (particularly
at first level) but allowed him to play Brother Taren anyway.
The next several game weeks found the monk's party (most of them higher
level) traveling through a hazardous wilderness area heavily populated
by hostile humanoids. After nearly being killed in every battle (and
after an hilarious fight with an ogre in which Taren had to dive into
a hollow tree to save his own life) the player decided he'd had enough,
and began plunging recklessly into combat with every dangerous-looking
creature he saw. The DM, sensing an opportunity to have some fun with
a player who'd ignored his advice, refused to let Taren die in battle,
often offering up the flimsiest of excuses for why the character
miraculously survived fights with creatures that should've killed him
Frustrated, Taren's player had him leap off a cliff, only to land in a
conveniently-placed haycart a negligent farmer had left at the bottom.
Taren then tried to kill himself with a dagger, but succeeded only in
depleting his hit points and rendering himself unconscious. (He was
found by benevolent wandering clerics who healed him while he slept.)
Subsequent suicide attempts met with similar results.
Knowing that the punishments for most crimes in the kingdom were harsh,
Taren then set about committing an offense so heinous that the local
magistrate would have no choice but to put him to death. In a small
city known for its strict law enforcement, Taren approached the local
orphanage (run, of course, by the campaign's main Lawful Good church).
What happened next is still legendary among the local gamers. Taren
walked up to the front door, knocked, and when a nun of the Lawful Good
order answered, raised his crossbow and fired . . . and missed. The
nun immediately slammed the door and, after winning initiative the next
round, barred it as well before Taren could kick it open.
Before long a local militia patrol happened by to find an hysterical
monk attacking the stout oak door of the orphanage and screaming "I'm
going to KILL you!" at the top of his lungs. They attacked him by
surprise from behind, subdued him and dragged him off to the lunatic
asylum (also run, as fate would have it, by the same church as the
Noting his suicidal tendencies, the clerics at the asylum restrained
him in a cell and denied him all access to anything he might use to kill
himself. Taren knew that one of the greatest sins in the clerics'
religion was blasphemy; in fact, just speaking the name of its god was
a capital offense in the kingdom in question, where it was the state
religion. Taren began cursing the church and its sacraments day and
night, making up bawdy limericks about the priesthood and counting the
number of times per day he could take the name of the deity in vain.
The magistrate was required by law to punish Taren's crimes with death,
but the priests at the asylum begged for mercy on his behalf. After
considering the issue, the magistrate decided to split the difference
and had Taren's tongue cut out.
As far as anyone knows, he's still hanging from the ceiling in a dark
cell, making inarticulate noises and trying to touch the floor with
H. Randy Patton = "We need variety to keep life from
Technical Coordinator = becoming dull and monogamous."
Virginia Tech English Dept. =
Randy.Patton@vt.edu = -- One of my freshman writing students